A few months ago I went on a coffee date with a very wonderful woman and ever since then we have been seeing each other.
In that post and in a follow-up one, I talked about my issue with her love of an occasional glass of wine and how it was really a “me problem”.
Very surprised that the discussion of our date ended up on the Internet (hey, that’s the peril of going out with a blogger, right????), she ended up telling me that drinking wasn’t that important to her and that she would never drink in front of me, which she hasn’t — something that has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.
So, we’ve been together for three months now and everything is going very, very well. We have tons of shared interests, practice yoga together and, yes, go to all of the NYC organic restaurants. She completely shares my organic lifestyle.
What is even more remarkable is that we have never had one argument since we started spending time together. Not one. This has never happened to me before. And believe me, I am no angel and have plenty of my own issues.
She is divorced (well, right on the verge of it becoming legal and having all the papers signed) and has two very young children.
I am 41, have never been married and don’t have any kids. At this very juncture of my life, I have no burning desire to have kids.
There could be a few potential reasons why I don’t have this desire.
1) The 11 years of Prozac and 3.5 years of recovering from Prozac really threw me for a loop and delayed many things in my life, from both a professional and personal standpoint.
If one assumes that many people think about kids in their 30s, maybe I’ll get serious about having them in my mid-40s. I will have caught up and be ready by then.
2) There are several professional goals that I want to achieve before I even consider having kids. And the fact that I work 12 hours per day during the week and numerous hours every single weekend does not exactly help matters.
Furthermore, raising kids in NYC is an absolute fortune.
3) I am too selfish and want my life to be about me and my partner. Having kids is a tremendous sacrifice, and I enjoy having my weekends free.
4) Maybe it is as simple as kids just weren’t in the plan. Not everyone has them.
What I Think About
* This is the first time I have ever dated a woman who has young kids and am confronted with many things that I never faced before. Before the two of us even met, I was well aware that she had kids and was very open to the idea of being with someone who had children.
Despite the fact that I don’t want kids right now, I love kids. Having a conversation with a kid is much more enjoyable than with an adult. Why?
Kids aren’t jaded. They don’t care about money and they don’t care about what career you have.
They are concerned about having fun, they have a tremendous curiosity about life and they live in the moment.
I thought that even though I may not want kids of my own, it might be very rewarding to get to spend time with the kids of the woman that I am dating.
* I haven’t met the kids yet and there is no timetable as to when I will. Yet, I have many thoughts about when I do.
– How will this impact my life? Will my weekends then revolve around their schedule and activities? How will I feel about that? For the most part, they are with their father on weekends but this is not always the case.
What will happen to my freedom? Is that totally out the window?
– What will it be like to wake up in an apartment with two little kids? Will it be too much for me? Will it be strange?
After I meditate, I am used to watching Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN2 as I get ready for work. Does that mean no more Mike and Mike? (For those who don’t know, I am a major sports junkie and this is one of my small pleasures.)
– What will it be like to have an “instant-family”? What will my relationship with the kids be like?
I know that I am not their father (I will be their friend) and have no financial responsibility for them but the thought of having two small children in my life right away is a little overwhelming.
– Even though I do have concerns, having two kids in my life could be incredibly enriching. All of my guy friends who have kids absolutely love it and could not imagine their lives without their children. So, I definitely do see the many positives and there potentially will be a lot more love in my life.
* What happens if I want kids of my own several years from now? Assuming my girlfriend and I are still together then, it may be too late for her or she may be past that stage where doesn’t want another one. What then?
Getting serious with a woman who has young kids means that it is a package deal. The kids are part of the equation and I totally understand that. The children are her priority, as they very well should be.
Nevertheless, I have a lot of questions and don’t have a lot of answers.
The only thing that I can do is to communicate my honest feelings and emotions, and stay in the moment.
Whatever happens, things will work out and fall into place. They always do.