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Dating Someone Who Drinks, Part II

Dating Someone Who Drinks, Part II

I put up a post last week about a date I had recently and it generated a good number of responses. During this date, the woman asked if it bothers me to be with someone who drinks. In that post, one of the things that I said was that I would “deal with it” if […]

Personal Issues

I put up a post last week about a date I had recently and it generated a good number of responses. During this date, the woman asked if it bothers me to be with someone who drinks.

In that post, one of the things that I said was that I would “deal with it” if all of the other aspects of the relationship were good and that the drinking was kept to a minimum. This response of saying that I would “deal with it” brought an interesting comment from Tancie, and I thought it was worth addressing in its own blog post here.

Tancie stated that the phrase “dealing with it” would bring up resentment and that I should avoid all women who drink if it makes me that uncomfortable.

For me, drinking is a very complicated issue and is not so cut and dry, especially given the fact that I feel so strongly about other things as well — organic food being one of them.

I feel that I have so many things that I don’t do — drinking, smoking, doing drugs, taking medication– and so many things that  I do do — living healthy, eating organic, practicing yoga and alternative medicine, etc — that I need to prioritize about what is really, really important to me and what I can and cannot accept in a woman.

If a woman is a big drinker, then it is going to be very hard for me. But if she is a casual drinker and doesn’t get drunk, then I would “deal with it.”

As Tancie stated, using the words “deal with it” would bring up resentment. And, I think she is right.

Maybe I should have said “accepted it” and that occasional drinking is something that I need be okay with. Maybe this is the learning for me – to be more tolerant and to not let my issues get in the way of a good relationship.

In the previous post, I clearly said that drinking is a “me issue” yet my choice of words (“deal with it”) sounds like I am making my issue a “she issue” as well.

While drinking is a normal part of most adults’ lives, many people abuse it and use it as an escape. I, for one, only used it as an escape.

Yet, there are individuals who do not abuse it and can easily stop after one drink. This is hard for me to even imagine and clearly impacts how I think about this subject.

Does being around people who drink make me uncomfortable? At times, yes. At times, no.

Do I go to bars and hang out for hours? No. Do I go to parties and dinners where people all around me are drinking? Yes, I almost never have a problem with it.

The matter gets it a little bit more complicated when I am with a woman who drinks because I always say to myself, “if she really cared about me, she would support me and not drink in front of me.”

Maybe that is asking too much.  Maybe that is being too selfish. Maybe I am placing unreasonable expectations on someone else.

Assuming that the woman I am with does drink on occasion, my challenge is to remind myself that this is a “me problem” and not let it become a big deal or stumbling block in the relationship.

I have to be very, very honest here. Doing this will not be easy but it does present me an opportunity to grow, learn and become more accepting.


  • Misty says:

    Thank you for the vulnerability and self-reflection you share in this post. These qualities are healthy life disciplines that I’m working on, value in others, and hope to teach my children. I believe these are the gateway to healthy selves, health relationships, and healthy choices that we are confronted with daily.


    • Max Goldberg says:

      Hi Misty,

      I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for sharing and for reading the post. Certainly, A LOT has happened since I wrote this post and A LOT of learning has taken place.

      Live well,

  • Kerissa says:


    Because of the history of Alcoholism in my family, I have no desire to drink. Ever. In fact, I might say that I hate alcohol if you get me started. I was in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half who is a casual drinker. I didn’t know about it for a long time. Among other reasons, we broke up because of drinking.

    Like you said, I can go to parties where my friends are drinking and that’s one thing. I am afraid of repeating the mistakes of my mother and grandmothers (marrying an addict). I wouldn’t be able to live long-term with a person who drinks. Since that’s where our relationship was headed, it was time to end it.


  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Tancie,

    Thanks for your kind words and words of encouragement.

    I am happy to say that I have already attracted this woman into my life (within the last two weeks) and am feeling very fortunate for that.

    Live well,

  • Tancie says:

    Hi Max,

    Thanks for continuing the conversation. I am happy that my mention shifted your perspective from ‘deal’ to ‘accept’. That is nice.

    I want to acknowledge you and all of your healthful choices. I admire your lifestyle and subscribe to many of the same things.

    When we met I noticed you were a very present, open hearted person with a great smile. Continue to open your heart, especially to yourself, and see who you attract romantically. When it happens, take it as it comes and remember who you are, what you have to offer someone and focus on what is right and good. And remember to … enjoy!!!

    All the best,


  • Max Goldberg says:

    Thanks so much Russ.

    I agree with you. Having shared values is so important to a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. As I have gotten older, it has become much more clear as to what is important to me and what is not. This helps guide me in determining whether a relationship with a woman will or will not work.

    Until a person figures out these values, it hard to determine whether a relationship is doomed or not.

    I appreciate the feedback. Are you still in St. Louis?

    Live well,

  • Russ says:

    Interesting post. I have always found that someone who does not share similar attitudes about certain key things [and timing / amount of alcohol consumption is one] is very difficult to date for an extended period. Over time it creates an impediment to forming a deeper relationship because you don’t understand their compulsion [or lack of compulsion] for the activity.

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