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Am I Being Too Rigid with My Dating?

Am I Being Too Rigid with My Dating?

Last week I wrote about dating a non-organic woman and the challenges that it creates. A few questions that I grapple with are these — Is my very strong desire to be with someone who eats organic eliminating many great women with whom I could have a relationship? And, is my rigidity causing more harm […]

Personal Issues
LivingMaxwell.com

Last week I wrote about dating a non-organic woman and the challenges that it creates. A few questions that I grapple with are these — Is my very strong desire to be with someone who eats organic eliminating many great women with whom I could have a relationship? And, is my rigidity causing more harm than good?

Over the last few years, it has become increasingly clear that health is one of my most important values. Almost everything I do revolves health and eating organic food is a huge passion of mine.

My values are what they are and they are not going to change. The only woman with whom I am going to have a successful and happy relationship is someone who shares this same value. Does this mean that she has to be as passionate or into health (organic food) as I am? No, because she may never have been exposed to this lifestyle and doesn’t know much about it. That is perfectly understandable. However, she needs to be open to this way of living and eager to embrace it.

A former girlfriend of mine, who is the love of my life, did not follow a similar healthy lifestyle as I did and it caused tremendous friction between the two of us. She and I were simply not on the same page, in terms of where and what we liked to eat. While there were other reasons that we broke up, we both valued health and organic food differently.

When I explain my conundrum to my non-organic friends, the common response is that marriage or relationships is “all about compromise.” Or, “why can’t you eat your food and she eats what she wants?”

First of all, I do not want to compromise one of my most important values. That’s like telling a fervent Christian to stop believing in Jesus a few days a week and believe in some other prophet.

Second, I want to eat organic as much as I can and I want to be with someone who feels the same. I want her to be equally or more excited to go to an organic restaurant as I am. I want her to crave or love pressed organic juice as much as I do. I want her to think about buying organic produce the night before so we can wake up and make our own organic juice in the morning.

There is not a shadow of a doubt that this is the type of relationship I want. Going back to my original question – am I being too rigid about the kind of woman I want to date?

After thinking about it long and hard, I have come to a few conclusions. One, I need to stop thinking about it as being rigid. I need to look at it as being very clear about what I want and what will make me happy. No, I am not being too rigid. It is just very apparent and obvious about what I want. If I weren’t as “rigid”, I know that I would end up in a relationship where problems would definitely ensue. And, what good is that?

The other thing that I need to understand is that if this woman or relationship is not in my life, there is a reason for this and I am doing something (either consciously or subconsciously) to prevent this from happening. I need to change the way I think – change the way I view myself, eliminate the negative thoughts or doubts, and spend more time living in the present moment.

I need to be who I am, not waiver in what I believe in, enjoy the NOW, focus on what I have instead of what I lack, throw it out to the Universe about what I want, and let the rest take care of itself.

In summary, I have concluded that I am not being too rigid. I am just really clear.


16 Comments

  • elizabeth thode says:

    Hi,
    I totally understand how you feel. I also eat only organic (would rather starve then eat crap). It really is a life choice, to eat healthy food or not. I feel the same way about cell phones/ blackberries and other wireless sources of radiation. Here in Michigan, there aren’t many organic restaurents…..nor are there alot of people who eat organic. I would venture to say, at least in your case, you have a better chance of meeting someone who chooses to eat healthy/organic…then I do of meeting someone who eats organic and isn’t a cell phone addict.
    STay with it! The truth is coming out…all of it.
    And very soon, people will start to connect the dots.
    Blessings,
    Lizzie

    • Max Goldberg says:

      Hi Lizzie,

      Thanks so much for your words and comment. Yes, it makes it easier when you live in a city of millions and where there are tons of organic restaurants.

      You are very right about the cell phones. It will be a big issue in the years to come and by then, it may be too late for many people. I have to use my Blackberry less. No doubt about it.

      Much appreciated and live well,
      Max

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Catherine,

    Thanks for your feedback and I agree with you. When we compromise our values, we are compromising who we are. It is something that I just cannot do and have learned what makes me happy and what doesn’t make me happy. Those previous relationships that didn’t work out taught me so, so much.

    Live well,
    Max

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Sharon,

    1) Menupages: Overall, I think it is a good list. Only one problem, it is missing one of my favorite organic places in NYC! 🙂 The Juice Press in the East Village. Hardcore organic, probably the best pressed juice in the city.

    2) I agree with you about the dating. A person has to be open to and not forced to do it.

    3) A lot of people mention the kosher / gluten-free comparison. If you are always eating at home and everyone can eat what they want, then it is not a problem. However, if you go out a lot to eat (as many of us do in NYC), that is where it becomes problematic.

    Thanks for sending people to my site!!! I really appreciate it! Say hello to your brother for me and see you soon.

    Live well,
    Max

  • Hi Max,

    I didn’t read all the comments, as to me your answer is obvious.
    If indeed, you value your values, you cannot sell yourself short! To sellout isn’t a compromise, it’s a reduction of what convictions you hold as your personal truth. It’s a diminishment of personal character.
    Compromising principles/values is the current karma in this world!
    It’s very natural for people to band together in opinions, and I call that “Popular Consciousness”. This is NOT the road less traveled. It’s the sellout road for as long as people approve of each other as a group, rather than individually.
    You can see for yourself what selling out is doing to our food, our politics, our environment, our world views…
    Please hold strong to your thoughts and beliefs. Others will come along, and see that you approve of yourself, and will want some of what you know….
    You just are going through a vulnerable place.

    Peace.

    Catherine

  • sharon says:

    Along the lines of dating… What is your take on how menupages now has an organic section.
    As a dietitian I see the significance of health being a priority in a partner. If those one meets are willing to accept your food choices, follow them when with you but are not confined to them I think it can work. I see it similar to how some keep kosher, gluten or nut free in a home out of respect for their partner.
    I refer many clients to your website; keep up the interesting and informative work.

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Kayla,

    In my view, eating organic is synonymous with health. The two go hand in hand. And while I do value other things, health is one of my most important values.

    So, essentially what you are saying is that I should compromise one of my most important values for the sake of a relationship. If health wasn’t so important to me, I would agree with you. However, health is incredibly important to me and asking me to compromise this is something that I will not do.

    Thanks for your feedback.

    Live well,
    Max

  • Kayla says:

    Eating organic is not a “value,” it is a choice. In assessing a woman’s “values” you should be looking for worthy character traits such as integrity, kindness, generosity and a work ethic. You do not as much as mention this. It is very immature and selfish to even think that a relationship is all about what YOU want and what YOU “need.” What do you have to offer a woman? What do you bring to a relationship?

    Relationships require work and compromise not demands and self-absorption. If what a person eats is your primary criteria in choosing a mate, I hardly think that is a ” recipe” for a mutually satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

    Also, remember, while many of us can afford organic, many cannot.

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Mary Ann,

    As I said in my post, they don’t have to be organic day 1 but they must be open to this lifestyle. If they are not open to this lifestyle and organic, it is kind of a dealbreaker for me — it is one of my most important values.

    I’ll keep you posted and thanks for your feedback!

    Live well,
    Max

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Rick,

    Another website for me to start??? I’ve got my hands full with livingmaxwell.com. 🙂

    Hope all is going great with you in Florida. Talk to you soon!

    Live well,
    Max

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Helena,

    A love story here??? Well, who knows. Maybe one day. 🙂

    Thanks for your interest in my site!

    Live well,
    Max

  • Max Goldberg says:

    Hi Michelle,

    I couldn’t agree with you more about our values. It is the most important thing!

    See you soon at OLD and thanks for your words!

    Live well,
    Max

  • Max,

    I understand that you want someone who shares your passion for organic food. Do you really want this to be a make or break deal for establishing a relationship, though?

    My partner and I are total opposites in many ways. At times it’s amusing how we can even live together! (Think “The Odd Couple”). What we share, however, goes much deeper than daily habits and lifestyles. I also chuckle (daily!) at our learning experiences when dealing with areas where our ideas differ. That’s part of the fun of a relationship.

    Are you screening potential partners from the beginning and not even giving them a chance if they don’t eat organic? If so, you may not only be missing out on a great relationship, but on the opportunity to enlighten someone on the benefits of eating organic food as well. When I met my partner, he thought organic food was a marketing ploy to charge more money. Now, he eats nothing but organic. It can happen!

    Wishing you the best in love and life!
    Mary Ann

  • Rick says:

    Max;

    Perhaps there is a web site for singles who are committed to eating organic food and a healthy lifestyle. If not, it might be time for you to start one!

    Also, keep in mind that James Carville and Mary Matalin, a staunch Democrat & Republican are happily married (as far as we know).

  • Helena says:

    It’s awesome that you know exactly what you want 🙂

    Lately almost all the people I know eat organic food & more and more people are embracing this way of eating. I imagine that as you go about being involved in the things that interest you, you’ll meet someone amazing. Somewhere out there is a woman who’s looking for a man just like you. Just keep being you. It’s all good 🙂 I look forward to reading a love story on your blog sometime.

  • Michelle Ogunti says:

    Great post, Max! It seems you already found your answer; in fact, you knew it all along. Our values are the core of our personalities, who we are. Compromise on what side of the bed to sleep on, but NOT your values. And I do believe that we are given what we truly desire when we’ve learned the lessons we need to fully embrace that desire. Just keep being you and I’m very confident what you’re seeking will pop up sooner than later 🙂

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